I won’t be disclosing his real name, in case he tries to track me down. Yes, he is that crazy.

HOW WE MET

So, early October 2019 before the Co-vid 19 madness started, Dayo (fake name) sent me a DM on Twitter asking if he could get to know me more. I decided to do a little snooping to be sure he was worth my chatting time, and boy! He was fine af. Dark skinned, the way I like them. He even had a little nose ring. Sexy. Beard Gang.

We start chatting and he seemed caring, always asking how my day is going, and how I am feeling. The first time we speak on the phone, I have a eargasm. And no, don’t try to shame me. We have all been there.

D-DAY

Fast forward and the D-day for our blind date finally came. I pulled up at Casper and Gambini looking like Naomi Campbell, miskay dress on check, Peruvian weave on check, make up on fleek. Even used my new bottle of Carolina herrera and got my nails did the previous day. This had to be perfect.

Seated legs crossed looking peng and sipping on my Mojito, I waited for my Prince Charming to arrive. One hour passed and he hadn’t. I was getting irritated. It should be him waiting for me. Not me. I knew I shouldn’t have started my makeup an hour early. Gaddem. I hated to wait.

AN HOUR LATER

Anyways, Dayo finally shows up and words fail me in describing exactly how he looked like. It’s like I was been catfished with no proof to defend myself because his face was basically the same. Just a different vibe. No charisma whatsoever. Smoking shisha from a small electronic pipe. And no fashion effort either. Guy just jumped into joggers and a T-shirt like he was headed to the grocery store. No print at all, not even the slightest bit. And no beard. DAYO WHERE IS THE BEARD ON YOUR AVI??!!! I wanted to fight.

And he didn’t give an explanation, or even an excuse as to why he was late. Nevertheless, I kept my cool. He smiled at me and proceeded to hug me, but I barely returned his hug so it ended up been awkward. However, he had on a nice, expensive cologne. At least, he didn’t have body odor. Let’s see how this goes.

Time to order food and the waiter took a while to get to our table. When the waiter finally arrived, Dayo was rude to him, talmbout

“What took you so long to get to our table?”

Like he didn’t just make me wait a whole hour for him. I was holding onto the last bit of patience in me.

I ordered a plate of steak salad while Dayo had his eyes planted on the menu like he was writing an exam. He then proceeded to order TWO SEPARATE MEALS on the menu. Sea food pasta and a whole platter of grilled fish.

I chuckled and was like “Hey, I already placed my order” but he threw me a straight face like “I know”.

Next thing, Dayo ordered a bottle of Hennessy. He didn’t mix it, just drank straight on the rocks. On an empty stomach. Anyways, I ignored because that is how a lot of Lagos boys move. Everywhere is a club to them. He asked if I wanted to drink but I politely declined. I was barely finished with the glass of Mojito.

FOOD IS READY

The food finally arrived and Dayo ate like he had been fasting for 30 days and nights. Oblivious of his date sitting in front of him and watching the mess unfold before her very eyes. My brain tried to come up with an excuse to justify his action; maybe he is just a sucker for sea food, maybe he works out- he looks quite fit, maybe he takes supplements that makes him hungry.

I ignored him and focused on my food. Not helping the awkward silence anymore, I started a conversation:

“So, what do you do, Dayo”

“I’m an online transactioner. I connect clients and help them do business.”

Online transactioner. Is that not yahoo yahoo?

“What about you, Zinny?”

“I’m a writer. I am also learning to act.”

“Writer. Hope you are not one of those twitter feminists”.

I raise an eyebrow in confusion, “I don’t understand what you mean”.

“You don’t know Twitter feminists?”

“No, I don’t know “Twitter” feminists.”

Whatever the hell that means.

“Hmm, do you live under a rock or something?”

I stay quiet, not wanting to start something I know we both can’t finish. The way he referred to feminists just didn’t sit right with me. It felt like he was looking down on them. Like, to him, they had no potential impact outside of Twitter.

Anyways, we kept eating.

Right in the middle of tearing the fish apart with his cutlery, Dayo sticks his index finger into his nostril. I cringe, and almost throw up my food. No, Not when I am eating!!!

I wanted to get up and head out the door. But I kept eating. I looked away and kept eating. As expected, he finished his platter before me. The one thing that got to me was how scattered he left his side of the table. Remains lying here and there like the waiter cleaning up after is his fucking slave. I was appalled to say the least.

At this point, I was too disgusted to finish my food. I took a sip of my water, ready to call it a day. I glanced at my watch, 8:00 pm. Time to go.

Dayo beckoned on the waiter, then dipped his hand in his pocket but couldn’t find his wallet. It hits him.

“Oh shit, I left it in the car. Can you pay? I’ll balance you when we get out”.

At first I was not sure, because I had heard stories of guys making women pay on dates. But this was our first date (and definitely last!). There was no way he could do that to me.

So, I paid. The sum of N45,000. His food and drink alone was N37,000. I paid, because I was getting my money once we got to his car. If not, someone will see the ugly part of me. Not this Agbani Darego version I was dressed and acting like.

We stood up to leave. He walked fast, and I tried to catch up. On my heels. Totally discomforting.

OUTSIDE CASPER AND GAMBINI

When we got out, Dayo looked around, surprised. He couldn’t find his car. “Shit. Where is this guy?”

I was confused, “What guy?”

“I came with my friend. He used my car to go get something, but he said he would be back within an hour.”

At this point I was screaming internally. What the fuck is going on? Was I in a video game or something?

Dayo dialed his friend’s number several times, but he wasn’t picking up.

“You know what? I’m gonna get a taxi to my house so I can get cash and give you. Is that fine?”

I was panicking but I decided to go with him. I tried my best to stay calm. Just wait outside, get the money and move. I told myself.

ARRIVING DAYO’S PLACE

We arrived at his place – a nice duplex in Lekki phase one. Dayo invited me in but I refused, saying I would rather wait outside. This nigga went inside, and was gone for a while. It was getting cold out there. I wondered what was keeping him.

After what seemed like twenty minutes, He finally came out, but there was no cash in sight.

“Umm where is the money?”

“It’s inside.”

“I thought you were bringing it out.”

“You know what? I will make it a 150 if you come in with me.”

“I don’t understand. Come in to do what?”

“Ahan! are you a child?”

Dayo leaned towards me for a kiss. That’s it. I was about to lose my shit entirely, but I stopped when I sighted some cocaine on his nostril. This nigga was doing coke? Probably why he took so long to come out.

Before I could even properly process that, I saw something shiny and metallic poking out of his front pocket. My eyes widened as I made out the shape.

“Is that a dagger?”

“Yeah. What’s up? You don’t like daggers?”

“Was it with you the whole time we were at the restaurant?”

“You have to stay protected, just in case anyone tries to attack you”

I AM IN DANGER

Attack? I was confused. Is this nigga a cultist or something? This is something straight out of a John Wick movie. In all honesty, I was petrified.

“Don’t you agree?”

I forced a smile, scared for my life, “Of course I do.”

“That’s what I’m talking about. You’re really sexy, you know.”

He held my waist and pulled me to himself. “Can’t wait to take off your dress with my teeth. You like to be spanked?”

“Yeah, I do” At this point I’m just yarning what he wants to hear.

“Amazing. It’s going to be a rough night. I just got this bondage set from Amazon. It’s looking like I get to launch it on you”

I faked a laugh. I was in danger. I needed to be out fast. God please.

Just then, a Mercedes Benz pulled up in front of his house. The driver waved at Dayo. He excused himself to speak to the guy.

Quickly, I grabbed the opportunity to order a ride on Bolt. My fingers trembled as I did. Every second suddenly seemed to count.

The car drove away and Dayo returned to me. I locked my phone and threw a smile at him while my mind roamed.

“Come inside and feel comfortable. Let me quickly go get condoms”

“Don’t worry I will get it myself.” And to make it convincing, I gave him a passionate kiss. This nigga was rock hard. When I pulled away, he grinned in excitement.

“I like a freaky girl. You’re my type.”

“Just wait for me okay?”

“Don’t be long. I don’t like to wait.”

I blew him kisses as I walked away, towards the next street where the Uber driver was turning into.

JAPA JAPA

As soon as I was out of Dayo’s street, I took off my high heels and ran as fast as my legs could carry me. The last time I ran this fast was in secondary school, when I chased a gala seller who refused to give me my change.

Just then, I sighted an approaching vehicle and quickly checked my Uber driver’s plate number on the app. It was him! Quickly, I got into the backseat and lowered my head, startling the driver.

“Madam, is everything okay?”

“Yes, drive drive. Please!”

The man drove out of the street. I peeped out left and right to be sure Dayo didn’t sight me entering the car. Even when we burst onto the main road, I stole glances behind on the look out for him. Not only did I just spend N45,000 I did not plan for, but I was also traumatized as shit.

When I got home, I couldn’t talk to anyone for about two hours. I deleted his number and blocked him on all social media platforms.

That was the last time I went on a blind date.