Today marks 3 years since I lost my father

I wish I spent more time with him

I wish I lingered a little longer whenever he asked me to stay

I wish I spent a bit more time absorbing the sound of his voice, and his laughter

Who would have known a sound could make me cry so easily

Not just out of regret, but nostalgia

That is the word, I think. I think that is the best way to describe my current feelings

I hear his voice in my head, but it has long shrunk into an echoing whisper

Like in a hallway

or in a Catholic church

I miss you, daddy

I won’t lie I quite enjoy writing here to and about you for the world to read because quite frankly, I don’t mind an audience sharing in my grief

I have long realized that I can’t carry it alone, it’s too heavy

I involved God a few months after I lost you, which was not my initial plan because I was upset at Him

I was upset that He let me suffer

I was upset that He let you suffer

I was upset and I realized my feelings regarding that was valid

And I was a bit afraid, too, that He would be upset that I was upset at Him for everything

But surprisingly He was just… patient.

Then in quick successions he expanded my view and I began to see things differently

I saw all the ways that I was wrong

All the ways that you were wrong

All the ways that others in our lives were wrong

And all the things that none of us could have prevented from happening because it was just our fate just like it was the fate of the Hebrews to suffer under the tyranny of Pharaoh and one day be delivered through the Red Sea, and only again, to be stuck in the dessert

I saw how Moses was instrumental to their deliverance but never got to enter the promised Land

I saw that you were my Moses

You were leading me to where I needed to be, both in times when you were intentional and in times when you were not

You were my guide, daddy

And though all of me wishes you were here with me in that promised Land

All of me is grateful that God chose you to be my father

I remember the day I lost you like it was yesterday

I remember you, I remember your face, I remember your wisdom, and I remember you growing cold in my arms as I tried to let go for the final time

Daddy, I remember too much and that is the problem

It’s quite funny that I am writing all of this in one go because I had a cranky day today and most of it had to do with the people in our lives

We have an audience, so let’s end it here

I started this post with the intention of writing about you, and now it reads like I am writing to you and I like that better

Wish I saw you more in my dreams like mum does

I guess you are gone for good.

I love you, and keep resting in peace.

Your lovely daughter

Ezinne.